sickness

and after all of the blaming…the thinking…the harm to others…for your pain…for your misery…..you calm down…..
it turns the other way…….more than anything…you want to hurt yourself…….why?…self realization……realization that you are your own sickness…your own menace……i am my own sickness…….i am the cancer……i can grow or die and let me be happy……
 
i do not hate anyone…there are two emotions i basically feel……love…(want to give…expect none…..hold…..protect)…and the humane feeling…..(dont really care about the person…but if one needed help or sumthing i’d try and help…just valueing everyones life) 
 
hate?…enemies?…..none….wait…none but myself……i am my worst enemy….biggest critic……best friend….i fucking hate me…and i also love me…and thats that…..
 
why turn your hapiness and your sadness on yourself..?…because you are all you have.don’t agree?……don’t…….my faith in that sticks…..till someone can truely spin it around…
fine they teach you the bad and the good…..sometimes the bad may be potrayed as the good……you gladly carry out the bad…..it’s understandable……but when you hit a certain age….which differs for everyone….you learn that just because those around you considered it right…it may not be……that you are your own person…you need to pull out of the cucoon they built around you….and see the world for yourself….set your own goods and bads….based on sense….good judgement…thought….and your heart…
 
if you float on the water….it feels soothing to let the tides take you wherever they please…oh you’ll definitely reach somewhere…but what if you swam?….what if you leaned over to the otherside?…..what if?….why didnt you?…..you could have right?why who knows the river could have sealed your death and you could have prevented it?….why keep a ‘giver-upper’ alive?out with the scum who refuses to learn…and apply the lessons of life….for if you don’t truely……if life is to just ‘go with the flow’…then what the fuck’s the point?
 
it’s hurtful finally standing up and taking absolute responsibility for yourself…..for every action…word…your health……but it makes you feel stronger…forces you to listen to your instincts…..i always doubted mine…but i dont think they were wrong…..i just never listened when i should have…..and when i did….i wasnt listening to my instincts….i was listening to what i wanted to hear…..
i could always say i hated myself…and even accepted hate from others…..i can now say i think i love myself…..i need to learn to accept love from others……and let those who dont know it just know
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