this is me

here i am…i’m not open, not closed…just here…..
it’s funny how i cant be stubborn no matter how hard i try….and everytime i try to pull off some proper stubborness…like actually not talking when i say i won’t or not going somewhere cause i don’t want to….i jsut don’t make it through…i end up giving up…and i hate it cause i wanna be stronger, but i always think hey it wouldnt hurt to give in…not that i always give in…so what the hell
 
so i’m rambling about this because i feel that i……and most of us are constantly but not always consciously tryna prove ourselves to ourselves, more than that ..how is it that i find it easier to accept others but not myself……funny thing i think…..
alot i wanted to prove to myself…was so hard on myself…and when i reached where i wantd to…i realised i’m still fighting…it’s like waging some sort of war against urself for ages….like more than a decade…..since u knew you could fight urself, and now tht the wars over u dunno what to do…
like imagine living in chaos for years and years…and then suddenly its all done…there peace….do you know how disturbing that peace can be………
we get accustomed to one thing…even if it harms us…and when it ends we don’t know what to do…..
 
i’m not complaining…i dont live in a worn torn country, i don’t live in an abusive home environment…i’m fine
i’m just not used to being content with myself…so i continued to fight me….continued to live in guilt and lack of trust in me….for me….and then that is when it fucks u up….but its like that’s the only way u learn that wars over…….compromise, retreat or defeat…whatever and however it happened its over…living under the shadow of the of the last think clouds of dust that are slowly settling you start missing out on the rays of sun that you no longer have to fight for but are already there, but u start missing but u dont know how to accept that its done with…its over….
its over
its peace
the anthem is the sound of silence with heart beats renewing their rythm….
pick the pace to just be….to just move on
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