hang

i like differences, i’m accustomed to change, but sometimes i wish i was on the same page as you each day….

 

it’s not a sudden realization that i had of what i want…i’ve known it all along, felt it…….the only thing i just knew with no because, with no reason, music, art, feeling and thoughts, but i’ve learnt to hang passions aside to eat bitter fruits cause i believed i deserved it, and serve others with a gourmet meal cause i believed i owe it to them…

and after all of this wanting my gut to feel alive has made me feel alone…..i always belived i was alone, but i always kept in mind that my decisions affect others….and these others, their feelings, i let them accompany me sometimes, and now i dislike their company becuase it’s clear that putting forward my decisions, carrying out my desires infront of them only matters because of what they’d benefit or loose out of my foot prints…

 

its about them…and not me

alot of people don’t know what they want, i do…..alot of people don’t know why things happened, why they are the way they are…i  do….

cradled myself roughly, brutally in repentance of a lonely child, in the redirected aggression of a ten year old, in hands of repulsive men and expectations of an aged world that i thought i ought to please at an age when i understood little.. ..

 

and i decide to hand over the pages of my book to one of the very few people i give a damn about in this world and , look here, what do we have, time to add a new chapter, they knew my story and not once could i blindly fall back in their arms….not that i wanted to, but i found comfort in believing that if i wanted i could, when i treated them like i’m holding a twirling glass ball on my fingertip…..

but its justified……they’re steps are justified, sometimes i wish i didn’t know why, so i could just be angry, so that i could just hate and say fuck it….and walk away….but with my thoughts, explanations form and everyone can take a bow, everyone’s a winner, cause mistakes happen, and with me, its ok, its always okay

 

so i’m sorry i couldnt please you, with all this silent noise in my head, a disgust for pleasure of any sort, and also sickened by the lengths to which people go to find pleasure, to win,

i would have been more than happy to please you……to pull u out of your whirlpool for a few mintues to think straight, to breathe some fresh air

sometimes i wish we were on the same page……but i was right…we’re all alone…..

 

let my feet slip, the rope tightens, it’s marks will be perminent cause bo more blood will flow, eyes pop out and for a while dead cells will continue to grow..birth and death continue, as does the journey

or

prove me wrong

 

 

 

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