aging age

it’s that sinking feeling again………….
but its not hollow…..u ever reach a point u want to change so badly…..and when u do….u wish u’d seen some of the stuff that you could have actually not changed…it would have been good for you
 
but then again, its all relative, meanings, feelings, thoughts and beliefs……maybe what i feel now should have been unchanged….then seemed like something that needed to be changed…..but somethings happen with out knowing, u don’t mean them to…..and then i settle with the feeling that soemtimes things just are not good or bad, they just are……….
 
the older they get, the more blindly they let go….
i’ve seen absolutely healthy people give up emotionally, people who still have some life in them shut their senses….why does this happen with age?
most people i’ve met have this fear of death, they reminis their past, because memories of their life when it was further away from death make them feel farther away from it…..
but really when are u far away from death…..it can happen anytime , anywhere…..so why worry about it……worry about the life u don’t lead, the life u  float around in like a zombie, so tied to typical routine, you crave things, with out meaning…..
i can’t recollect where, in which bit of my cathechism classes they taught us this one thing that i actually respected and found worth it, but i rememeber one of the nuns saying, that acceptance of death, is acceptance of life…its the only most natural cycle, and to think of it its beautiful…
death is no demon…its a door….
 
to start life, u have to end life…..the fruit falls, dies, to leave back the seed, that grows, and the cycle repeats….but the fruit can only do what the frui can do, we have more beyond just reproducing, and how much do we do?…..loose sight of the skies and chase after building glass ceilings, stomping one another down….we want assurance…we want what we want to fill a need that we dont even understand, the need to just be, taste all of life
the movie….’the fountain’…had  one really good story….where a man dies and over his body a tree grows, and he lives on the fruits it bears, that the bird feed on, and he lives on through them, thier lives, their offsrping, their predators who live off of them…this tree is the tree of life
 
i have soo much to say…so much that irritates me when people have so much….and dont know how t use it…and then i feel like a hypocrite….i’m trying
i could go on and on, but people dont seem to budge, one disability seems like their excuse to just fall completely…..then why breathe at all….?
i refuse to pity anyone, sympathy, pity, i dont see the difference…..i feel when we feel sorry for someone we give them loose string to not be all that they can be……definitely u accept some one as they are, but when a person looses their legs, and still have perfectly functioning hands…they can still put them to use….i have great respec for those who use every bit of them…u’ll always have something left for urself….self pity, relying on others, u stifle ur growth and their freedom to be all they can as well….
but i keep seeing this happen….especially with those who grow old, and they take it for granted that gradually the world got to revolve around them…..it’s not fair to urself, or to others…..they feel their kids are obligated to take care of them as they took care of their kids…..but that may not happen, for many reasons, it doesnt mean u give up….
 
giving up, comes so easy
they say life wears u out, i belive u wear urself out
 
 
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