as the last

almost the same time as the last…almost the same reason…need to vent out in a closed space where no one can hear me so i can build even a tiny bit of self confidence, just enough to stand up and shift to another table
such a menial ‘task’…such a self concious, under confident being……
what for? who said the people around you are all geniuses…..who said they’re perfect..?…..but they’re just them, you’re just you and that’s your justification
and you make an oath to yourself, to be able to one day walk around carelessly, to lift your head not high, but eough to look straihgt at the colours of the world , the same way when you’re absolutely alone…instead of looking at the monotonous patterns on the ground……
some day you say…some day you’ll walk this way…..but you had so many ‘some days’ and those days ate your years and now you’ve aged.
 
and what of others?….shutup…..frankly why think of others?……some may be the same as you, some may be far below, but you’v lifted your head bashfully once in a while and seen them, many have gone beyond you…you want to compare?…compare if it’ll make you chnage with the last word of the comparison…if not….shutup…
close you eyes…you’re standing infront of a mirror…..when was the last time you did that?..long, very long….so close your eyes and see yourself now…you crouch…you don’t like what you see, naked you’re ugly…clothed…you think the site of you is some what moderately manageable….
 
oh well….ooooh well………now it’s further away from last time….but your reasons are almost the same as the last……does it make a differece…did it?…..
………
dots…..silence?….or thought…too much thought….way too much thought….so repetitive…so sinfully obligatory to the child in you……what part of you do you keep, what part of you do you let go..?..age only stands as a mile stone that marks the passing of time….when daily reminders don’t work, reminders like the ticking seconds of the clock, the moving minutes and the hours, or even the progressing days on the calender…age tells you ‘hey, its not seconds or days or months, its a year….like every other year’..but it’s a year ahead…and how ‘ahead’ have you gone…
 
closer to a degree, further away from school…but in yourself….?…..has it been circles? or has it been long cross country hikes?…or leaps from building to building, or the building of sturdy foundations….a little bit of all huh?…a little to move…..to groove..
‘things change’ i told her…’i used to do things, i don’t now…opinions and ideas change, values change’….but devaluing a day cannot make you devalue the essence and the facts of time..dance, skip…but skip further…..
you taught yourself lessons of limits and you learnt that limits are in your mind…..so youi’ll let your imagination run wild but you won’t make a move physically….
‘m coming off as harsh to you…..harshness never helped, but neither did the lack of emphasis on a point…..but reptition did…..said it once said it many times…and so you’re slowly building your ship….so build on……when the sales are fixed (they should have been already but let’s not get into that) and the ship’s afloat on the sea….be wary you may sink, but it’s your boat, it’s your world…if they said it’s theirs…it’s yours, theirs and ours…..you can always get back up…
watch..before you hit the ground, pick up the lost and found….sail away
always watching…always wanting…to be on the move….
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4 thoughts on “as the last

  1. yea that makes sense too actually… the library can be intimidating. but now that were 2 yrs into it…idk, i just feel that ok all the ppl in the library are from middlesex. we all go to the same uni. some of us inthe same class and many of the faces are familiar even if we dont knw their names. we know the security guards and the librarians…there is a common factor. a sense of belonging like u mentioned in circular mirrors. that sense of belonging is kinda comforting. but in the food court, the faces are hardly familiar. theyre from pretty much everywhere. and even the familiar faces are with other familiar faces. it feels as if everyone just knows that you are alone. and lets admit it, even though it literally means nothign to us, we do notice people who are eating alone. that for me is intimidating, and i dont even know why. so what if they notice im alone. we notice but we dont judge. there is nothing to judge. even if they do judge…so what? but i still cant get myself to even walk through the foodcourt alone at a busy hour.

  2. need to get over it…..some how i find more comfort in a crowd of strangers than people i kinda know around me…the reaosn is till choose the library is for less distractions (cause a crowd makes my thoughts go a billion instead of 100 places) and then i will see people i know know…like lisa or the guards…..but if no one was there and it was a room of semi familiar faces just conversing with people they know……i would prefer the crowded food court…..

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