it’s weird how all of a sudden, the moment i stopped thinking it, and started saying it, it’s happening.
for most of the things i do… i can hear a voice inside going, "this little thing will be making some change or the other, this could be the most or least influential action you took in your life, do it or don’t, either way, it will matter." and this line that looks like a ‘blah blah blah blah’, is said in a single ‘blah’……… and suddenly i’m doing things, not just thinking about doing things. the will…the will to do something, anything…..did i find it? or did it show up? or was time all i needed to find my drive switch?
i’m a dreamer, no doubt. many of us, okay, i think, all of us, dream. but some live their dreams. of course their surroundings matter, but they make the right choices too. may be luck exists too, i don’t know. i’m not sure of anything. but these people they don’t just dream, they have the drive to get what they desire. okay, some go about it the wrong way, but that’s not always the case. those with true love or passion for something with ‘heart’. they just want what they want…like a kid just wants a cone of ice cream…..and will work their butts off for it (or chase down an ice-cream van two blocks away)
and for some reason i couldn’t find my ‘drive’ switch. i would feel around the walls in the dark room in my head, and i would find some switch, but it was never the right one. or i’d find the right switch but it’d never click fully…in fact i don’t even know if i have the drive, the will, the energy, but i know i have the want and the need. sounds good enough to me. things are starting to matter. i don’t mind being desensitized to a certain extent, but i do mind being cold. moments are beginning to matter. there was a time when everything was significant, and then it all went wooooosh…down my toilet….
last year (i love how saying that makes 2009 seem at least 6 months old)…i watched a TEDx video where Kaki King performed…and before her performance she said this…. "i was thinking about my place in the universe and about my first thought about what infinity might mean….. if time could reach forward and backwards infinitely, doesn’t that mean every point in time is infinitely small & therefore somewhat meaningless ?…& so we don’t really have a place in the universe as far as on a time line but nothing else does either & so therefore every moment is really the most important moment that’s ever happened, including this moment right now…"
(yeah no big words, just plain, simple thoughts)
….hope i don’t jinx this feeling…..