what is, is.
what is, just is.
i don’t believe our struggles are a test. i do believe in karma. but i don’t believe it’s really calculated. it’s all the repercussions of your actions and those of others (a child being abused can barely blamed on the child, for instance).
so what happens, just happens. based on what i believe, you add the purpose, the meaning.
right now, a struggle lurks here in my room. it’s an ugly, gooey thing, hanging from my ceiling. the best part is i can do nothing to make it hit metamorphosis. i did everything i could to make things work out. and to my good fortune i got what i wanted. but just before i could take the last step, so my life could move on, i discover one last hurdle. and the best (actually worst) part is it’s not really my hurdle. it’s something that some one else needs to take care of.
and i am not trying to find excuses. i can genuinely do nothing about it. nothing. and knowing that despite all the control i was finally gaining over my life…something can still be in the hands of a higher power…and who’s the puppet master here? the government, immigration offices…these self proclaimed kings with their little controllers who will mess with your life just to earn a little something.
so without sorting this out, that ugly thing, will be just an ugly thing. till they let the time pass, it will not transform and fly away so i can sleep easily again.
and i spent the entire 12 hours doing everything to keep my mind off of it. went out, watched Toy Story 3…missed the beginning because i had to pee (typical)…hung out with a really good friend and another person who is beginning to matter in my life. i had dinner, checked my facebook, watched the end of the match between Germany and Spain. watched me do all i could have done. my eyes felt heavy, they wanted to rest. but the isms of what is had to finally surface.
you can distract yourself as much as you like. but in the end, you’ll get that time to re-re-realize that this is the shit on your plate right now. i hate that time. that time when no distraction works, when you just have to look at it (the shit…ok that’s some disgusting imagery) in the eye.this needs to end. in that last minute before you decide “okay, i’m done with today” you’re only left with the truth. t.v. shows and stories are just t.v. shows and stories. you can choose to fantasize behind shut eyes. but facts are facts, and although it sometimes consoles me, sometimes it disturbs me.