ok yes, i know, i am just pathetic…but i reallly don’t intend to think this way…
when good things happen….it freaks me out. and when it freaks me out, i mean literally… when i feel things are turning not out to be not too bad, i feel like it’s a siren for the coming of horrible happenings…. i even go to the extent of believing that i might die.
earlier this year, i realized what a good bunch of friends i had… now trust me, i would not have said this if i didn’t, but really…they are a lovely bunch…and everyone i happen to be fried, even if they stand at a different point from me, they accept me, as i am, and they are good, at least to me…… things they did, and the ways they acted showed me that people actually, truly, give a hoot about me….and i just could not believe it…. firstly i couldn’t accept it…. so say, if i fell and they bent down and tried to lift me up, instead of accepting their help, i would get up and run away with a face that said, “are you serious, you really want to help me up?”
it’s not that no one’s offered me help ever, but life put me in little situations where i needed to fend for myself…and i’m very grateful for that….i mean, why not? what better way to learn? and even with people around me from time to time, i felt alone, in my own world….because no one seemed to want to accept or be part of it….and trust me, i really didn’t mind it…it just was what it was… and i was convinced i was going to die….but i’m still here *sob*.
but what i’m trying to get at is that, when you’re used to having a maximum of 2 good friends, when your family of friends increases, it’s just so weird…and when i say friends i don’t mean acquaintances…these are people who i can spend hours with and i can talk to them about anything….
and that’s not the only good thing…. bad stuff has happened…. but there’s been so much good….i’m getting support from my mom on certain things i want to do, finally…. my piercing went well even though i was woozy (it was the nervousness and a real low blood pressure i think), the guy who did it was great…it weirds me out…it all weirds me out….
when things go good i expect to fall, get hurt, to be stabbed to death….ok a bit extreme, but you know what mean… the fear of jinxing things reaches it’s highest point, and speak in tongues..tongues of stupidity, filled with irrational fears….
it’s strange how i know it’s irrational, yet i let it get to me… and i’m in that place again.
i know, i told you, i do know that i am pathetic…i do not intend to think this way….but i can change how i think…gradually….NLP style….or something….