the pessimist attacks

the kid is about 2 and half years old… i’m 21… her world, when she’s 21, will surely be a lot more different from mine…. that’s a guarantee….. time changes things……

but will it be better?…that’s not guaranteed…. only we can make things better…and so far we’re causing enough destruction to balance out the healing…..

this is in terms of the environment, the government, the people …

she’s sleeping here wrapped up in the blanket given to me by my excuse-for-a-grand-dad (he’s not a bad man all in all, but somethings i cannot forgive)

she’s looks peaceful….i am comforted by her comfort but i fear for her life…

you can say that i’m being over dramatic… but you can also shove your head in the ground and shake your ass…it would not make a difference….

i know the world i am in…i know the things i did not ask for , things that could not even attributed to karma although i so strongly believe in it…it’s pathetic, sad, scary and it’s all a worthless struggle…and there’s no criteria for who is put in the center of the chaos….and from the shrewdest, to the innocent, from adults, to kids….and we say that they are all lessons that need to be learned….or some people like to believe it’s all a test…. and of course you make mistakes to learn… but when the mistakes cause pain, especially to those who can’t defend themselves…you’re mistakes can take lives…

the kid’s 2 and half something years old… i was 4 when my life started to take some steep nasty turns…i can’t help but fear for her…even if shit happens now, she probably won’t remember it…but it will affect her…

she’s such a bundle of genuine innocence…i’m so over whelmed because i’ve never had to take care of a kid before…never have to make a kid laugh, stop crying , and put a kid to sleep, or take care of her food , or tie hair….they’re so fragile… so real….so earthly

i was once earthly and innocent… that didn’t last long…

i registered with amnesty international today..free member ship ’cause i got no money of my own, yet….i signed a couple of petitions for stopping violence here and there, for equality and this and that….someday i can be involved first hand in making a change… but i have little hope about the scale and impact of the difference….

i trust myself now, but i even won’t be surprised if something ticks in me at some point in my life and i change my mind and decide to make tons of money and just die…after all even if i leave behind a mess i won’t have to deal with it…that’s for the future generations to suffer and deal with…or at least isn’t that what out forefathers thought…?

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