BIG M …. no big help

so my friend (super duper close friend) has a problem….

the dude….when he’s in shit….never says what ‘shit’ is a metaphor for….fine… i get that….it’s his thing….

when i have thoughts or issues, i like to first dig my head deep into them, understand them and try to solve them as i can…if i need help i only turn to those who i know are most likely to just ‘get’ it or at least understand the gist of the issue well enough to give me their solid view point….

aah gosh this isn’t about me…..but i always end up making it about me…

anyway…so he’s got this issue…mysterious issue …let’s call it the BIG M…(big mystery)

and he doesn’t want an opinion, nor does he want any big amount of help….he never liked pity (thank fuck, ’cause i cant stand those who need you to say “aaww” “poor you” and things like that…)…he doesn’t want consolation….and i suck…i mean royally suck at consoling some one…because if i’m expected to say ‘it’s okay’, when it’s not and “it’ll be fine” when there’s no guarantee …i can’t….i can try…but it comes out sounding quite unconvincing… oh i can lie….but only if it’s something that i truely feel needs to be hidden…otherwise…i can say nothing or everything.. (yes it always ends up being out me…bleh)

what he wants ‘good thoughts’…good thoughts… when 80% of my thoughts are about finding beauty in darkness…in retardedness…in weirdness….the good thoughts for me…and what others are most likely to find silly, insignificant or disturbing…. the other 10% is about the beauty in nature (i am crazy about the sunset and sunrise and waves…)

and the other 10% can be described as so morbid that i can afford to have no more than 10%….

so good thoughts….i spilled stuff about the beauty in the sun set and sunrise…about the moonlight….i spilled words about how everything will change because it can’t last forever…

but that’s it….i doubt it had much effect…how would i know?….when will i learn…how will i learn to just be something…something good and right for some one…all i want to be is just right…to be able to say exactly what the person needs me to say..

i guess i over think it…and the screw it up….

here’s hoping the waves come in and leave clean, smooth sand on his shores…. and bastard (i don’t even apologize anymore…i guess it makes no difference) BIG M takes a hike….

(din, just know that you’re not alone)

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