you, me and nobody

i hate being compared….i doubt anyone likes it. there are exceptions of course. for instance if it’s some one you are fond of, or some one you have a high opinion of, then yeah…it’s not too bad to have similarities with them…but ditto…like them? then what or who are you?

now i sometimes act and speak like my eldest brother. i don’t remember ever trying to imitate him…i was very attached to him when he was living with us, about 8 years back…and i did look up to him..so perhaps unknowingly i grew to adopt some of his behavioral patterns. what ticks me off is that people (and when i say people, i mean mainly family) assume that we also think a like. and it gets on my nerves when they say silly things like “you’re just like you’re elder brother.” actions are actions dimwits! i know, actions represent your thoughts, but not always. i have learnt how differently my brother and i think…and i like that…i like people who have different thoughts and beliefs… but people take it for granted that if i act like him, i think like him. or think like him when he was my age…and it pisses me off. a single behavior exhibited by different people can have different meanings. why don’t people get that? is it that difficult a thought to process?

anyway this blog wasn’t supposed to be about that….typical trailing-off-the-topic syndrome…

hi again!…. i don’t mean to whine…i wasn’t really whining…just complaining to internet phantoms…

ok so, i know this person, a relative…no not my brother, who i share particular similarities with. similarities such as the ability to express myself better in writing than face to face…the inability to hug…the ability to put up thick walls with flowers and peace signs painted on them..the inability to freely accept and let emotions go. it’s not that we don’t appreciate the fact that moments won’t last forever. but we just learnt to withdraw our hands away from anyone offering their hand to help us up or offering their shoulder to lean on. experience…led to trust issues.. bigger the experience, bigger the trust issues… and some of our experiences are similar.

now this relative seems to relish our similarities…she’s lived over 40 years this way and sees it as okay…it’s just acceptable because this is us…and hey we’re the same! no, hell no…i don’t hate myself…well not that much….and some of the ways i act, make sense to me for other reasons so i don’t mind them…they’ve proven to be beneficial to me.

but sometimes regardless of the ‘good’ effect it may have on me, or the protection it gives me from hurt , the other person i am interacting with gets nothing from it….i have friends who think that sometimes, the practical explanations i give for certain ways i act make sense and may actually be better or more sensible….but there needs to be a balance….an awesome friend of mine left on holiday about a month back……i spent about 2 hours with him before he left…and through out our hang out i had to actually devise a strategy so that i could get the strength to actually loosen up and hug him when saying bye…. if the other person genuinely approaches me with a hug, then i can follow…but here i actually needed to keep telling myself “ok so when you’re going back, just turn around and say something like , man can i hug you and then hug him and i’m sure he won’t mind or consider it icky or something and you won’t die”……kept telling myself,….did i do it…? i didn’t…walked out as i always do, with the typical ‘bubye. have fun, let me know how things go..”

the most i could do was cheap ass message…yes a message, on face book telling the dude i’d miss him…that’s it….i’m grateful for text messages and emails and things like that…..and if i lived in a time when none of this existed, i’d probably write letters (which i also do) and slip them under the doors of those who i care…. now many people would consider it a nice gesture…but always? like really? 3 years of knowing a person and you still can’t tell the person face to face that you’re going to miss them, or hug them with your own effort…? that is pathetic…..and my friends are good to me…and they have accepted it as “me”.”her”,”that thing’s thing”…..but nah… sometimes i get real bummed out by it…

people actually say “i know you don’t like mushy stuff but i miss you.” ok now when it’s some one i don’t really care about, or some one i only kind of know…i actually find it funny….but when it’s people i really care about…it hurts a little…. and hugs.. they’re half hearted and draw away quickly or completely avoid when it involves people i don’t know that well….and i don’t mind that….i think hugs are special…. but it shouldn’t be so tough with people i do care about…blaaah

(you’re probably tired of reading now….here’s  a song)

and this person, who is just like me sees it as okay…. this person, as mentioned before…relishes our similarities…

can some one be this blind…..? or perhaps, it’s just not as important to them as it is to me..i don’t want to be an over emotional person, but loosening up won’t kill me…

maybe it’s a small thing to you, but to me…i don’t know..

before i didn’t want to get close to people because i thought i wouldn’t be able to deal with it when they go, or if things go wrong…but now i found a way around it…. i’ve learnt to enjoy some one’s company, and when they go, they go….i always keep one foot on the ground…and maybe i miss out a bit… but it’s okay…so i’m never too surprised or shocked when issues come up….

but how do i find a balance….? how do express myself fully and yet be cautious….and gosh i’m really saying nothing here…

just another circle of thoughts that go round and round.. i’ll figure it out…find some switch to strike a better balance than the one i have on this scale over here…..

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