-you must be on stage when the curtain falls-

bits of me are lying around this room…..unfinished, unfinished, unfinished…

bits of me are here on this laptop, there in that hard drive….unfinished as well….

and dreams of mine are here in this heart of mine…communicating with this head of mine..and they haven’t reached anywhere…..just as unfinished as the rest of this family of pieces…

man, where am i going wrong…?..in so many areas, in so many ways…i know it..but i can’t put a finger on exactly the point of contact between two forces that pull me in opposite directions…..does that even make sense? a point of contact between forces pulling me in two different directions would be me….so the main point is somewhere in me…

and i can blame the on-going slow-pace of my life to some thing that is currently not in my hands…but what about what is in my control?

i’ve pushed myself…i’ve changed a lot….and i guess at certain time you hit a period of exhaustion when you realize that even that change…though you struggled to achieve it, is not sufficient….be yourself….but be better….why be better….so life can happen…and i’m taking the effort to make life happen…and i’m slower than any one i know….(anyone i know who has dreams like mine)…and i know i shouldn’t compare…but really? 17-19 year olds who think like me…or thought like me when i was younger are way ahead of me….

i can blame so many people for how things turned out on my side of the planet…but…blame does no good…change can do good….movement can do good….and here i come back to my current situation, where things are not in my control…and then i pinch myself back to the point about things that i can control….

i always wonder why….? it’s so annoying when the answer has got to be in you…and you need to know what it is so that something can be done…..

“You must be on stage when the curtain falls”..a line from the movie, Downfall. this is my show…i want to be on stage when the curtain falls…and i want to look the audience in the eye ..i don’t want to be dead on stage when the curtain falls…

so i’m on stage…still waiting for the show to begin….

 

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