words…worlds apart…

ever looked down at your hands and just felt old?

ever looked into yourself and feel the weight of age?

i did….then i looked up at my hands and my eyes followed the beams of light outlining my hand to it’s source…the sun looked odd…bright, and odd….why so odd? because a perspective had changed…. i did not see loss, or hope….i just saw the sun as it was…in its entirety..

it’s all in your perspective isn’t it..?..what you see today, you will not see tomorrow…

i stopped seeing you as i wanted to see you…you stopped being beautiful…..in fact the very sight of you became something hurtful…a bad reminder of how stupid and blind i could be..a reminder of to what extent i undermine my knowledge and my abilities and waste any power of instinct and judgments to some silly need to be needed…..the silly need to be wanted when i know and believe nothing is greater than being pretty much everything for yourself….when i believe we all are ultimatey alone. i always thought that is where the beauty in life lay……for a moment… a long moment that lasted more than a year…i forgot…

pain, bad memories, misery …can distract you so far as to forget yourself…or at least to forget the real you…instead of lessening the burden you are carrying you add more weight onto your back because you’re trying to search for more…look for more ‘goodness’…to cover the ‘badness’…when instead, in your little escapade to discover something bigger you forget what and who you are…the basic things that could bring you joy and solace from the pain or discomfort you are currently experiencing and you forget…you forget that every discovery involves something fascinating, something new, something that could be anything….good and bad…

it’s something like this…imagine a huge store room, with a ceiling that is so high that the end of it is a far away dot….and there are shelves stacked with all sorts of things all the way to the ceiling…and you have a couple of things here on the floor with you…things you don’t like…things you want to replace or get rid of…but you see this store room and you think “maybe i can get something else”…you are blinded by the so much you think this store room has to offer you, you forget to first get rid of the baggage you have with you…and you climb from one shelf to another and knock the things you think you’d like to have onto the floor to join the rest of the stuff you left on the floor…you climb and climb and climb, and drop down more and more things….till your hands give away, your muscles are too tired to climb any more and you decide to descend but you just fall…you had no strength left to climb down…and you fall…fast…into the pile you collected at the base of the store room…and now you’re left with a bigger mess you started of with….and you’re in pain from the fall….and you want to be more optimistic instead of giving way to pessimism..and you dig through this pile with a weary body and mind and make a huge deal of the little bright, pretty things you find…and you hold them tightly to your chest as you try to find your way out of the pile of rubbish…the pile is so huge you can’t even find the door out of the store room….and you search, and search and try to work your way out….some days you’re too tired to do anything, some days you try to make use of all that’s around you and some days you keep searching….

that’s what it’s like…

this is what you could use….maps….if only some one who had been down this road before could hand you some direction….but you’re too far away from the world….

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