tripping on guilt

i’ve done it myself, so i know…telling people what they did wrong…or what undesirable effect their actions had on something that was directed to you or important to you…in a way that clearly is not about making them aware of an error they made but rather making them feel guilty..remorseful…for their actions, brings some sort of strange pleasure..  you may blatantly deny it with all you heart…but sometimes, somewhere in there…you feel satisfied…you don’t want to be vengeful…you don’t want to take revenge…and this will suffice.. inside your heart you smile…even the faintest smile….that says…to the other person…to the guilty…”now YOU know”…. if they do not look sorry…you feel defeated…

i don’t know what it is…it’s just a ‘thing’…. i think some where within us…even if we want to let go of stuff…we want those who bring us even the slightest amount of discomfort…even unintentionally.. we’d like to make them feel some sort of remorse …

i don’t undersatnd it…but i do understand it….

but what of the things you really didn’t know about?…now, assuming you were the person who the free guilt trip is aimed at.. and it’s not only something you didn’t know about…but it’s something that you had no hand in, could not have had a hand in…no action of yours could have affected its occurrence..not even through a ripple effect…and then some ignoramous (ok so i’m guessing that’s not a real word) is standing at your door saying “did you know …..blah blah blah…happened….????” a day later after what happened…. “while you were at the party!!!…do you even care/ do you think? you only think about yourself!”

oh yes…yes….i had this flash into the future…and i knew that was going to happen….and so i went for some party…just so that i wouldn’t be around when it happened…and when i was the party i was thinking about how I am so lucky, that I am not there…with you…and all the shit…because I only care about me…no…ME …and I should definitely feel guilty because somehow, in some magical, supernatural I…know what the fuck is going happen..when, where, how, to whom…and I want to help no one…because I cannot take the effort…

WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING SOMETHING HAPPENED….for fuck’s sake…for fuck’s fucking sake….

this “I” was the one who sat by YOUR ass through all the shit that hit the fan, at an age when this “I” was too young to know what was going on…

and this “YOU” was the one who was supposed to be more aware than anyone about MY shit that hit the fan, but YOU did NOTHING…

did i take you on a guilt trip for years? no..

i did eventually tell you…but i saw that look…it was all a “mistake”…so it’s all okay…

were you in control of it…yeah, to a big extent…but hey, mistakes happen…

was i, in control of this? …hmm?

and you have a problem with the frown that dawns upon my face when you come around…you..i considered YOU to be a best friend…

making some one feel guilty may bring about a sense of satisfaction…but it’s not worth it…put yourself in their situation….you learn nothing…you either turn cold…or remorseful…it’s hard to balance out and just make a correction when your actions are framed in a way that makes it seem like you killed some one and cooked them for thanksgiving…

music? why yes….who’s today’s voice? Skunk Anansie…

love them…love this…

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