i’m aware…a bit too aware

now i am very well aware of the impermanence of things…it’s a shame if my nature or nurtured nature and so-called maturity makes me pull back, and lose out on all the beauty of life out of the fear of losing it all….

it would be a shame…it would…

but nevertheless fear encompasses me….who wants to get too comfy in security? ok i know who would…kudos to them…but what if you got too comfy and then when disaster strikes you can’t deal with it..? because you don’t know how to…beacause you’ve forgot how to….?

i don’t know….i don’t know a lot…..i’m reading this book by a dude called ravi zacchariah….ok im not ‘reading’ reading it….it’s more like skim-reading it….when he dives into ‘God this and God that’ i instantly skim over the stuff…and i know most of his god-christ-related stories thanks to cathecism lessons in school….but he talks about “recapturing the wonder”….the awe you lose about little things in life as you grow older…as dissappointment seeps beneath your skin..as society’s structure becomes your blood and you forget that it’s just a system for convenience (sometimes for the most convenience of some penis-heads) not something you need to live and die by….and well…mr. ravi,,,no matter what you think about our generation…..i know a lot of people….including myself…who have their wonder very much intact….and unlike your beliefs we don’t need a belief in God to have that wonder..

anyway that’s the point (i just needed to vent to a man i would like to meet to clarify a lot of things and shove questions in his face) but the point is i am at awe of so many things…i see beauty and n number of times when i point it out to someone, i just get the “ah..um…aha…moving on”….

ok that’s not even the point…..it’s just i am at awe…and i like what is ee and get awed by…colours, lights, the sky, the randomness, smiles, tears, the look of things and things on things and light on things and nature and human nature and so much…my hands can’t type fast enough to match with my thoughts…..

but these are things…things that can stay or go or always be there like the sun and the moon (or maybe not, you know can’t take nature and the cosmos for granted)…i can deal with that….with them…but when it comes to people….security in an arm chair is much more easier to deal with than a secure person, or people…..u know? i don’t know if you do….i don’t know if any one else thinks the way i do… detachment is a gift i think…and i feel like i am gifted with it…but sometimes you need to set your toys aside and go out and play…..

go out and play….is what i am doing….outside….this outside that’s inside in me is a bit too fucking freaky…but it’s a bit too beauitful….for some one who gets fascinated by the colours in mucus…this human-emotion-beauty is beyond over whelming….i feel like peeing so much more often now…. wait , that might jsut be because it’s colder outside….like i mean in the real outside…the desert winter is super cold for us nomads who have always hung around the equator you know…. you do know don’t you?

change of topic…yes please….okay….so…

regardless of what i think people think, i think this poem that i wrote is good….so if you happen to read this blog….check this out and let me know what you think… who ever you are or would like to be… http://allpoetry.com/poem/7122175

i can’t believe i waited this long to get a hold of Stadium Arcadium by redhotchillipeppers…i mean, shit..am i slow…..or slooow?…it’s a rhetoric…but damn is this music like chocolate cake-mix….

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