full circle..

an entire year has passed since i got felt the weight of this situation within these four walls, with 2 aliens in a rabbit hole…

and a year has passed of trying to squirm out of the tunnel , and make little deviant trips to some neighbouring spots to feel some sense of self -ness-ness (?)

but i’m an animal, but not a party animal….and i can be talkative but i don’t always need an audience to hear me out…

and at the end of the night, day, year….in the corners of the holes and open spaces…it all comes down to what i have made of what i had….

so i gave into pressures with the hopes that the aliens would not place pride, ideals, and shit like that to jeapordize my well being…although they have kind of done that all my life…i suppose it took a year of this being shoved in my face to actually knowck me off my feet…i mean, it struck me before…but this was the the last fly that circles on top of the pile of shit….

what am i to do?

how am i to move?

 

regardless….the reason why i am stressing on the year(ness) or the year…i mean the characteristic of the year is that…despite whatsoever whatever blah blah situation anchors me to this place….what did i make of it….i mean, the mercury on the hope scale shot up and then down and then up and then down….and everytime it hit rock bottom i would go like “no matter, *slaps face* there’s so much i can do still…so i’m going to do this and that and this and this and that and this and that and this and be fucking ace at it”……………………

and then as hope would rise and stabilize…ambitions would dwindle….hope would fail, ambitions would fail…motivation would hover like pollution in the air…and that’s it….and then again rock bottom, motivation, determination and then down hill again…as everytime i realize that chances of change are less and less likely….it seems like a contradictory pattern…you’d think that motivation would rise while hope rose…but i think it was the friction in the rise….the fact that i knew everytime hope rose, the chances of hopes becoming reality were thin….and so i would suspend much of my sense and my drive to wait and watch and to be finally disappointed…

 

aaannnywaaay….. the point i’m trying to get at is….that i suppose after fucking eons of schooling…one pattern that has annoyingly stuck to my head is that at the end of the academic year, pressure rises….exams come…its time to prove what you’ve learnt….and i am going to use this pathetic system to prove to my ass that i did something in this year….

i dont think theres anything wrong with saying “yeah i didnt really do much, just chilled out” when people ask some one what they did in that one or two years they spent after uni, or school…..but not me…because i didn’t want to do nothing…i wanted to do nothing after i did something….i never considered school and university as something…because they weren’t…not to me…they were price tags, valueables and mantle piece decorations for some people in my life…and just hurdles to get over to the other side and start conquering my true passions, for me….

and when i am asked…in this year what did i do….i want to go like i can do this, i learnt all of this, i met these people, i started this, and so on …with confidence…but can i? no….because i started many things, and completed none…and this isn’t the first time i have done this in my life….and that’s all fine and dandy…but when youre 22 and in a situation you don’t want to be in…then it’s not…then it’s like..if a needle to prick your ass…then you must be knee deep in indifference….and well i am almost knee deep…but i am not a fan of it…so yeah…

 

as an end note….beauty came my way in the midst of all this strange, silent, chaos….it’s just a shame it couldn’t inspire me to be more…..well like they say, you take the horse to the water but you can’t make it drink….

well i amt he horse…and i got a shitload to do….

i never heard a lot fo their stuff…but i always liked what i heard….ladies and gentlemen..this is Kosheen…

 

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