the parent

she lies in front of me….comfortable…

i make her uncomfortable…

indifference and a slight annoyance resonates in my voice…

 

why should i entertain her? why should i entertain any of them?

she lifts herself…makes more conversation, that i sigh and subtly respond to…

she gets up, off the bed…still talking…

walks towards the door…still talking….

 

opens it, stand there…still talking….

and i resume my fully silent stature…

now, only willing to nod by head…

 

i’m seeking to feel nothing…i’m hoping that acting indifferent, will make me indifferent…kind of like when those psychologist dudes got their subjects to bite pencils…the oral position made fake smiles on their faces, and they reported feeling happier…

 

she’s left the room….

and so has my hate..

my world is beautiful and fragile..why should i entertain those who have trampled it…

she’s held me, in recent days…hugged me…not something ‘normal’ for us….i didn’t want to, but i gave in….i was/am needy, weak, and have no muscle to keep the pages of my books bound together….so they lie open, for all to see…vulnerable to wind…to the rain…i give and give in…pride suspended, defenseless…

and i know, one day, like she always has…she will use this against me…

she will compare my indifference, to her ever flowing love…my coldness to her tenderness…

and i will break and cry, and hurt…

but i will also spit…uncharacteristically…

because the loose pages have not only released vulnerability, but also the demon in me…

i’ll spit out words, that will drown her in her own lies…the superficiality of her melodrama…the emotional blackmail..the bullshit of it all…

and she’ll be shocked and hurt, and spend sleepless nights..but she will make not change…

because they like to hurt, plaster, pretend…

 

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