wishful thinking

there’s this one episode in which Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) comes back to life…i never followed the series through and through, but i’d catch something here and there….and in this episode, she comes back to life, and everyone’s all happy..obviously…but she looks distressed…disturbed….

they ask her what’s up, and she says that she had been to heaven..and everything she touches and feels here on earth…doesn’t feel good…she said that this, this life she came back to…is hell..

sometimes you re thrown out of a good situation in to something difficult…something, not so good…but out of that new situation arises a lot of new , interesting and other good things….enough good to over look the initial difficulty…enough good to make you realize other aspects of the world…and i mean really realize it…feel it…

and then you come back into your state of security which was first broken…and you realise that this life..the one you came back to…it doesn’t feel good…it is hell

well, kinda like hell…

kind of like buffy…going elsewhere…feeling beauty in the most different form that she could…and coming back to realize, the world where she felt secure, where she initially felt stripped away from, is hell…or feels like hell compared the world she had a chance to visit..

i don’t know what to make out of it…my return became a more distant desire….back to the place i’m familiar with…where in a sense, the familiarity equals to security…it doesn’t feel good even though it feels comfortable…it’s comfortably unpleasant…

and i come to acknowledge what i came to realize in my time out of this country…it was always comfortably unpleasant in some way or the other….it is a pit full of memories of struggles and failures…but also successes, but even more successes that led to greater falls… way too many…. and waaay too many with out me having to be able to pull a single string…

this is where the unpleasantness comes from..

the comfort comes from me, myself and the few people who are dear to me and who  i care about, and the other people that welcome me…

and it’s amazing how quickly the unpleasantness surfaced…after making one interesting acquaintance on arrival who i probably will never meet again and 3 hours of sleep, i was already thrown into turmoil…all i want to is to wonder like i did, aimlessly and get lost in life where everything was new and everyone was a stranger and only a chosen few could warm my heart or hurt me…

and it’s funny to say this, and admit after how much i hated having to leave this place in the beginning…..

i wish i could have  had it all…

the new place, the one or two people i care about and want to learn more about…and new experiences and faces and places…art galleries galore, musical opportunities in plenty, sounds, lights, liveliness…and money, and documents and papers and governments and businesses meant nothing, or had so little to do with me, that nothing of that sort could hinder my life..

wishful thinking…is pathetic…

rise and shine…

p.s. R.I.P. Whitney Houston

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