in the long run

for the first time…what a friend of mine said makes sense…he’d often repeat the words “hate the game not the player”…. i’d shoo his words off because it sounded more like a senseless dialogue when he said it…moreover, it was his way of justifying himself in front of me when he did wrong…he hoped the saying would keep him safe in my eyes…it didn’t…

anyway…what i’ve learned is the phrase makes a lot of sense…we’re all capable of extreme good, and extreme evil and everything in between…no one is entirely bad or entirely good…and our judgement of this comes from their actions and intentions…and intentions basically come to life in actions…so it’s their deeds (the game) that make us judge them….but it is naive to assume that one or two things we see a person do can define who they are completely… there may be many aspects to them we haven’t seen…so it seems to hate or dislike something they do, but not the individual entirely…

hate the deed, not the doer… is another way to put it…

and that’s what i need to hang onto now…that’s what i need to trust in now…i am fine with him, her and them….fine…just fine….because i saw so much goodness in them, inspite of seeing worse in their eyes….

so i can be fine with them…respect them as individuals…but i will never be okay, and i do not have to be okay with what they did…and i do not need to forgive what they did, even though i can forgive them, and i don’t need to forget it…and i don’t need to forgive myself either…if i believe i was wrong…i was wrong…and i will be better than that…

it stings to think that it’s been more than 10 years since my life took the most drastic turn, to be ugly-fied of beautified, scarred, tattooed….

and i still remember her voice, her words, her demeanor around 10 to 15 years back, shooing off the cruel truth of the matter…and not much later ridiculing the fact that i was deeply, with out exaggeration, hurt….

and i agreed with her when she said those words, and even before and after……questioned my mind and body’s reaction to it……for years and years, through so many changes and ages…i justified everything and everyone, except myself…

i begged memories to let me be and let me live.,..

if i could forgive them then i could forget as well…right?..but i couldn’t and i still can’t…i learned so much…so how could i wear my knowledge with out scars from the journey?

after all the reasoning, and the restrictions i put upon myself…i’ve come to accept that i don’t need to forget…nor do i need to please anyone…not even her….what was wrong was wrong…in the context, the time, the place, the everything.,…and it still would be wrong….

i was hurt, and there are a million reasons why i would feel the sting as freshly as i did when it happened…if not more, at times….it makes senses to feel abandoned, lack of trust, and most of all indifference…

all her accusations of my detachment, self centered ness and inability to let go, are just as justifiable as her lack of action and poor judgement…and perhaps even more justifiable than the doings of everyone involved…

i will remember it, and relive it…and i will hurt…but i wont be paralyzed…not by fear at least…i should not…i need to grow and revel in all that i can be..i will learn to have a more open heart and stare my darkness in the eye..

in the long run, these are the branches in your life that you come to settle upon, and even after you let the birds find home in your tree, leaves, and flowers and fruits will continue to bloom..

 

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