Taking the Back-Seat

Although, I didn’t verbalize my irritation on having to take the back-seat when my partner’s best friend, or brother or someone equally important joined us in the car (especially his closest, best friend) it doesn’t mean i was not irritated.

I remember, earlier, I would kind of hint with his best-friend or him, or some how bring up the question, “You want to take the front?” (hoping he’s say no)…but then somewhere along the line I decided to always take the back-seat because I couldn’t care..if I happen to sit in front, it’s great…if not…it’s all the same…I do miss out a bit more on his presence but it’s ok…we can catch up later.

beeShamefully, though, it still bugged me…but I would just shoo the bug (i visualize it as a bee) away, but it would still buzz in my ear…buzzing with stupid thoughts like,”oh of course…buzzzz…you’re bezzzztie is more important than me,”….or “why won’t you ..buzzz…zzbbbuuzzz..even ask me to join you in the front?!…”

and it annoyed me, that these questions annoyed me…or Maynard James Keenan’s sake! does it really matter?….”buzzzzz…zzzyessszzz”….

so i had to ask, “why?”

and I figured…even more shamefully….the answer was ‘pride’…

it’s not the front seat that hold any value….it’s not some throne…

it’s the value of being by his side that counts for me…and even though it’s not personal…i take it personally…I take it as having being sidelined for the privilege of being by his side…(however embarrassing it is, to admit it)…I feel like I have been given second place, when I so desperately (so childishly) want to be given first place…

what sparked this realization? when we were on long way back home with the whole crew, and his best friend had to take the back-seat and he actually felt cramped….his legs were uncomfortably folded behind the seat where I so proudly sat my ass on, even though I moved it forward to give him leg-space…sometimes, we short-people like to blabber on about our shortness but just don’t think about the little difficulties the tall ones go through…

so it hit me…that something i was taking personally had almost no value, because it’s always just more comfortable for my archenemy (partner’s bestfriend/ a guy who i actually really like) to take the front seat, because he has more leg-room…and I have no trouble fitting into the smallest space…

but that doesn’t cover my issues with pride…the bee could still buzz…and that’s where i had to squat it with a fly-squatter … “buzzzzz….WHATOOOSH”

i love this man, and he loves me…if we value each other equally then that’s all that counts..and having said that…it does not mean that he can not have this much value for another individual who has impacted his life greatly, like his best friend, or father, or some one or the other.

if i love him, and value him, I really don’t need to be first…a space in his heart-shaped-box means the world…

pride, you just got pissed on by the truth…

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