taking and giving

There’s that list, that defines point by point what you want to be…who you want to be….you’ve starred and underlined the most important points, and also  given credit to yourself for achieving those behaviour-related goals…

and while working towards one you realize you may be falling short…

and when at first this ‘falling’ feels like a ‘failing’…insight hits you and understand

What am I on about….

right, so…I always disliked people who like to play ‘victims’ and seem to ‘forgive’ you for however you may have wronged them, but make it their mission for the next hour to days to ensure that you feel guilty about it.

I, proudly, believed I would never be that person….. Yet one thing I always aimed to achieve was the ability to confront people. Instead of walking away from loved ones when things went wrong, instead of gradually cutting off my relationships…I wanted to be able to say how I felt, and make amends.

I didn’t get the push to do so till a very special person walked into my life and I was forced to step up…..and I did….I wasn’t going to walk away and sever my relationship, hold grudges and what not, so I would constantly lay out what was on my mind. Little did I know, part of confronting issues may involve the other person feeling horribly guilty and in sink them in a feeling of ‘just-not-good-enough’…

There goes my pride on being some one who doesn’t dig into other peoples’ guiltiness….But if I don’t confront the issues, then they will always linger, and years down the line the effects will come out…

So a new, mental note has been written in my head – learn to confront things, and learn HOW to confront things, with out seeming like some first -class bitch, or dominatrix keen on bringing some one to their knees…I’m pretty sure my effect wasn’t thaaaaaat bad (I hope) but you know sometimes aiming for the stars so you’ll at least reach the sky works….so exaggerating the effect I can have may just make me a little more careful of how I put things.

But, as I always say, it takes two hands to clap…it’s not enough to mend how I say what I say, it depends on who I say it to, and how they take such things….and I told him that maybe he needs to view what I take differently, not as a guilt trip, but something we need to work on….and I didn’t type ‘we’ by mistake…I mean ‘we’.

and then it hit me…

the person who’s ability to play victim and take some one on a guiltrip….the person who inspired me to be nothing like him….may not have been so bad after all….perhaps his intention wasn’t to make me feel guilty…maybe he too, was trying to confront issues, to get them out of the way, to talk it out….

it was how I may have taken it…

a simple ,” what can I do then” could have changed the course of our relationship and I would have earned a lot more than I lost….no doubt I was younger then, a rebel without a cause (still am, working on removing “out” from without), but perhaps in my future interactions I’ll have a lot more to take out of such confrontations…

perhaps giving and how to give is not the only trick….perhaps taking, and how we take is another one…

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