Before I start, let me make it clear that I am not advocating being a dick to anyone
However my title, clearly owes it’s inspiration to the title of a movie that I recommend you to see, if you like movies about life and such and such – ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower.’
I decided to change how I thought, and somehow disconnect it from how I felt, just so that it would change how I act. And it didn’t take long for me to think myself into acting the way that I thought I should. Who knew what would lie on the other side of this little act I put up, for barely few months….
Somewhere in me I felt I was just not selfish enough..
We humans are selfish, by instinct, I believe….we have to be, to survive….so being more selfish is barely a task…Don’t know what I was so proud of.
Abandoning my belief in balance I slightly tipped over the scale. Instead of being wise about how I thought about me, him, us….I started to abandon him a little…not intentionally….really
It had to do more with doing what I thought was more “right” in some way for me…making it a little more about me. And even in those moments when heart and logic actually met happily, I couldn’t help but be a dick.
And after a lot of constant blame, justifications for how I am ‘now’, acts of ‘what’s right for me’-ness, I delivered the smallest, sharp sting….one which didn’t come out of built-up concern, built-up anxiety, but purely built-up-selfish anger.
and seeing his expression, I didn’t need to hear the words he said after, because I understood.
The one perk of being the dick that I somehow convinced myself to become, was to hurt the person (and the very few other people) I love.
Weirdly enough, another perk was that I realized how much more I actually loved him. How much I didn’t want to hurt him, and couldn’t accept the fact that I hurt him even in the slightest manner.
Hurt is bound to happen, as mistakes are bound to be made. And this was a mistake.
Somehow from my little over-arrogant stint, a lot of my anger left.
Maybe this has something to do with some sort of peace we feel when we pull off little or big acts of revenge. They dispose off the anger. Maybe this was some sort of revenge. But I dipped my toes in it enough to know that when it comes to the people I love I don’t think revenge is any sort of solution. There must be another way. Their priceless presence is not something that should be gambled with.
Another thought to ponder over – ‘ We accept the love we think we deserve’ – The Perks of Being a Wallflower