12th grade, free period, and a game of “Guess the Picture” (or whatever you may call it)
This girl, in my class drew door and a mat, and said ” This is you.”
A mat and a door…..a matador….a doormat….a doormat? A doormat! Why did I not feel so good figuring this one out.
Someone who barely knew me could see it. That sucked.
It took years to really sink in though.
I’m not sure about everyone, but I think doormats are simply people who have this urge to please pretty much everyone. If things can’t be flowery we’ll avoid the situation, and otherwise, we always need peace, calmness and of course we need to be liked.
It’s like putting up a strip-tease for the world, but just less bad-ass.
It took ages and a lot of hurtful experiences to slowly let go of wanting to satisfy everyone, to stop making it ok to be walked on, to actually have some real self respect. I was working up to it till last year, I let myself go through a very strong familiar pain that I thought I’d never let myself experience ever again. I failed, I was walked over, I put on a show, I was broken and broke.
When I say “no” it’s still a struggle to be okay with it. But people pleasing is a wasteful road to go down. Even after knowing that , in the end only you yourself might be the one who will have to look after yourself, trying to ensure that the entire world’s business is running smoothly will leave you alone, with no energy to watch your own back.
I’m not dishing out advice on a silver spoon because I have SO been there, or because I am SO OVER IT. No. The very fact that I keep justifying myself in this post, clearly shows that is not the case.
The point is that, however important human interaction is, and however deep the need to belong is, there is no need greater than stepping out of a situation knowing that I took care of my shit.
That doesn’t mean being selfish, that just means being honest to yourself, and others.