Burning This City Down

Hunched, between mouthfuls you say, “I love burning bridges. ”

My eyes go big, “What was that? You love burning bridges? Thanks for the clarification, I didn’t hear you the first 100 times.”

Why am I here? Why am I listening to YOU?

Sarcasm normally proves to be a weak conversational tool the first time you meet someone. But you like it and that keeps me here. In between mouthfuls, thoughtfuls, wordfuls, knowing you’ve lost catchphrase 1 , catchphrase 2 is catching up, “I’ve never had a dull moment in my life.”

And you continue, “I went back home to have my child. She’s a beauty. Wanna see her?”

“Of course. Oh, she is a beauty!” I sound surprised but I’m not. It’s hard to refrain from conveying some sort of enthusiasm when a parent shows off their child.

You scroll further down the gallery of you phone and land on a video. Your wide-eyed beauty queen blows off 6 candles on a big white birthday cake. I can already tell that she is going to live her life looking and acting much older than her age. She scans all the faces around her, soaking in everyone’s version of her favourite day of the year. When the scanning is done she looks straight at me, through the camera.”

Don’t fret mini-woman, I know that it may not seem like enough, but you’re mother loves you very much and very soon you will learn to truly love yourself and you’ll be unstoppable.

“Not a dull moment.” You interrupt my telepathetic, time-transcending pep talk with your daughter. 2 has caught up, and you look at me, expecting a comment, but I spare you. Call it forgiveness, I call it exceeding expectations.

We eat and drink because maybe I interest you? And your interest interests me? Through your countless reminiscences and infinite references to the past I can feel you hint at something. I wonder about your present.  It’s hard not to feel that there’s something more than interest. You’re probably not curious at all.

Come on, think…..

We’ve  just met. Why did you want to meet me? If you don’t want anything from me, what are you trying to give me? You keep stirring. It’s annoying but I’m not budging.

Before my train of thought hits home, you go in for the kill, casually, not wavering from the consistency of your mannerisms.

 

I know the father of her child….

A door slams in my face and my appetite has left the building.

Was I another bridge you built to burn?

 

 

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Tune In

Talking to someone helps, no doubt…always.

If you don’t get advice, or some sort of input, at least you get to vent a little.

I didn’t like the idea of this for a long time, but with some of the good relationships I managed to somehow hold and nourish in the past few strange years of my life, I got comfortable, and let my thoughts slip out into the air. I’d let them go a little, then become aware of my vulnerability , but to my luck find the person facing me, empathetic and strangely enough glad to hear me open up.

The lack of trust was undoubtedly on reason I chose not to share much with those around me, but even more than that it was the fear of being influenced by their opinions. No one will feel, and see things exactly as you do, and of course you can’t be right most of the time. I wanted to look at every possible angle of a problem I was facing by myself and then figure out the solution.

But I’ve been getting too used to this.

And I’ve been struggling to rely on my own judgement.

I’ve been saying things I don’t mean….and saying things that simply don’t help.

 

I need to tune out of this rut and tune into myself. I need to use what everyone taught me and tailor it to fit me.

Now is not the time to let myself down….there should never be a time when it’s ok to let myself down.

 

 

 

Just the Road Works

Sometimes our own life experiences don’t provide enough insight into how we can better our lives and ourselves.

I was on the phone with her, when I realized how stuck she probably felt. Debts to pay, in a foreign country and these debts are not even her own, her mind, fixated on norms that belong to an old world. She doesn’t move because she doesn’t think she can. She feels stuck, she acts stuck. But is she really?

Are we ever really “stuck”?

The possibilities may not look endless, but is that just based on our perspectives. Sometimes the solutions are slow, they may take months, to years, but we can make changes happen. Always.

I decided that I would never let myself feel stuck. If it’s in a house, a country, a relationship – movement can always happen. Movement doesn’t mean ending things, unless, of course they have to be….movement is letting go of something and making space for something else. Movement also is evolution. When leaving isn’t an option, engage in the ability to change your surroundings. This is the toughest, and may also be the slowest, but it isn’t impossible.

http://undergroundmedic.com/?p=5552

We shouldn’t allow he word “stuck” be used for anything but when talking about taping up pages of an old book, or that big blob of super-glue that leaked out onto your finger. And when that feeling inches in…when you feel like you are about to blurt the words, “I’m stuck,” don’t think of it as a road block,  but just roadworks. Things can move on, and there will always be a detour that we can take.