Equalizing

I assume there’s a stage in everyone’s life when they feel more or less like an equal to their parent or guardian. A switch gets flipped and the relationship stabilizes, in a sense. It all begins from that one moment when one of you realize the value of the other.

This was one of those moments.

People always thought we had a great relationship. We were more like best friends, they’d say. We knew how to maintain a level of “cool”, but it was not an easy relationship. I was never the daughter she hoped I’d be and it was okay for her to let me know.

I grew up too fast and she wasn’t happy about change. With time, though she began to accommodate me, and she began to change too. But there was always an underlying discomfort.

I’d get the randomest calls, at the randomest times and she would say the strangest sharpest things. Never once did I think it came from a place of neediness.

I thought I was bad, because she said I was bad. I thought I was poor daughter and failing at this “family thing”.

But that night, there was clarity. You know that feeling you get when something that you’ve been processing for so long surfaces? My chest resisted gravity while my shoulders embraced it. Her condescending remarks, a blur.

I asked, “What’s wrong?:”

Her voice changed, “I have a headache…it’s been a rough day…can you come home?”

“I’ll be there in half an hour.”

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

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Just the Road Works

Sometimes our own life experiences don’t provide enough insight into how we can better our lives and ourselves.

I was on the phone with her, when I realized how stuck she probably felt. Debts to pay, in a foreign country and these debts are not even her own, her mind, fixated on norms that belong to an old world. She doesn’t move because she doesn’t think she can. She feels stuck, she acts stuck. But is she really?

Are we ever really “stuck”?

The possibilities may not look endless, but is that just based on our perspectives. Sometimes the solutions are slow, they may take months, to years, but we can make changes happen. Always.

I decided that I would never let myself feel stuck. If it’s in a house, a country, a relationship – movement can always happen. Movement doesn’t mean ending things, unless, of course they have to be….movement is letting go of something and making space for something else. Movement also is evolution. When leaving isn’t an option, engage in the ability to change your surroundings. This is the toughest, and may also be the slowest, but it isn’t impossible.

http://undergroundmedic.com/?p=5552

We shouldn’t allow he word “stuck” be used for anything but when talking about taping up pages of an old book, or that big blob of super-glue that leaked out onto your finger. And when that feeling inches in…when you feel like you are about to blurt the words, “I’m stuck,” don’t think of it as a road block,  but just roadworks. Things can move on, and there will always be a detour that we can take.

Conditional

I always disliked labels…but I made allowances for some…..like partner, acquaintances, friends, family (and by this I do not mean the ones you are born with) and love…

But once I develop the label, I don’t think much about it, because I commit to it. It has become a truth and it would, I figured, stay forever a truth. What I forgot is, change will happen, and my commitment doesn’t come with a ‘Bye 1, Get 2 Free’ tag. As in, just because I’m committed that doesn’t mean the other person will be, and the same applies to them.

Of course, Love and stuff is supposed to be unconditional, so regardless of the tag that the other person puts on it….it should stay the same, right? Right….well…not quite, I guess.

I guess there’s a saturation point. And the unconditional can become conditional if enough damage is done. Oh don’t judge me. I trooped it out long enough. I don’t know why I stuck around. I’ve questioned it everyday. But when it comes down to it, the only truth that rises up is that the love is still there. And today I realized why I question it everyday. It’s because it now, it is conditional. And that just doesn’t fit my initial label. Something feels wrong. Yet something is right. (I’m sure I may have other reasons, but I’m also sure that the fear of loneliness is not one of them)

So what is wrong now, is that the label has changed and I need to acknowledge that.

But I couldn’t even guess where we’d go from here.

He’s walking on a thin line. I’m walking on thin air.

weird little happenings

life’s funny in this way…
one day you’re in some “happy family restaurant” (not the only cheesily named restaurant in this country) eating chapthis and curry with an ex and his best friend who shares his name and restraunt and nect thing you know you’re living on ur own in a dingy appartment right opposite ‘happy family restaurant’.

when I ate there, watching out for cockroaches and calories, enjoying some long-forgotten conversation I didn’t think i’d ever live anywhere close to this place…that we’d break up and an ex’s importance in my life would fade and be enhanced at the same time….that i’d be doing what I do now when I was literally jobless..

sitting there thinking of curfew, lies to cover things up, teen-like romance…i’d never think i’d grow up…that I would still be in this place..
being in the same place for too long can bring up some odd feelings…

many things make the oddness worth it…
and he really makes the oddness worth it.

I don’t really believe in a god but in some sense when I wake beside him I feel blessed…

it’s the only reason im such a sponge on those mornings…soaked it in…time to squeeze it out..

I probably look something like this

image

hunger’s many faces..

it’s like you know what it’s like to be hungry only because you know what it’s like to have food in your belly….

you know how sadness feels like because you know happiness…or apathy because you knew too much sympathy….or perfection because you knew too much of imperfection…

i didn’t think much or care much about love…

love..? hmm..i don’t know…hmm..yeah…don’t know if i’ll ever be in it…if i AM in it….i got a thing for some dude…that dude, this dude….all for significant periods of time…and i get committed, like it’s a sea-saw i’m riding…and all that ladeedaa naivity….

but love…hell no…there’s no way i would utter that word with regards to any individual..not even my family…well i could say, and i would say…i think i love my family…. i don’t know…love or something like that….

then, like out of nowhere….i felt love….

and then and there i decided…for it to be love…especially between two strangers turned to friends….then it’s got to be mutual…because love cannot stand a long…it’s a supreme ultimate emotion…. and it encompasses the laws of nature and the world…..the tree can’t exist on it’s own…needs the soil, sun, water….and organisms in these things need the tree, the cycle of life to go on….it’s mutual existence…in every form of life….and i think thats a prime component of love…there’s a give and a take…but that’s very coldly put….

there’s another level….call it chemical reactions..firing of nuerons….but it makes us “feel” something….who knows maybe the tree “feels” in love with the soil, and the water is in “love” with the fish…. i don’t know man….could be anything….

but yeah…back to the hunger…till i drank water, i didn’t know how thirsty i was….

till i felt love….till it was given to me and i could return it…i never felt my hunger for it…i didn’t care for it….or think i’d find it, or be found by it….i thought i was a rootless tree….and then i got rooted…rooted….or uprooted…if you would call me a rooted tree….

anyway…it’s just that i think we are hungry in many more ways than just hungry for food, sex, booze and rock and rolll….

we’re hungry for the things that lie in between…for whatever reason…and i think some of us (yes…like meee) don’t know it…till we get it….and then we feel it…)

maybe it’s a very super cheesy way of looking at it….but it feels that way…and you feel what you feel….and that’s that for now…

peace out…

as vibes evolve…

i’m not sure about most people, but some of us greatly depend on the vibes we get from others..

ever got vibes over the internet..? yeah, it’s freaky….guess that’s what you get for being part of this generation…your brain has calculated the millions of ways and the people you have interacted with over the internet and has set up it’s own set of formulae about who acts how, when, where, why, what it most likely indicates and all that and more…

so it’s not too tough to work on vibes online….. of course i would still say that vibes obtained over face to face interaction are far more valid…..and may make more sense…but if some one has not met a lot of people and most of his/her friends are online or pen pals…then maybe it’ll be a different story…

it’s weird then, when after knowing some one for a couple of years and things change, and the person and you yourself change, and then you need to let go of old vibes…

i never looked at it this way…and it’s a little tough to come to terms with this because sometimes …or most of the time, it’s the vibes that draw people close to you….you connect from that point on…but back then you both were different people… but a lot was based on that first meeting…the first connection you actually made with that person….

and then as time goes on, with many of the people you got to know and got close to, you realize that you have to let go of those vibes and those initial connections…they have changed, and there’s nothing wrong with that… if you met them now, they would probably give off slightly different vibes and its okay…. soemtimes the difference may come simply out of the fact that you ‘know’ them now….so the vibe is more an illusion…or it may be also because the person has actually changed to that extent….

and it can get hard to let go at times..sometimes you want to hold on to those initial vibes and all that you thought they would bring with them and realized that they won’t….

oh welll…

here’s the prodigy….i would bake them a cake everyday if they asked me to…

change..?..er maybe this time, i’ll pass…

change …

it can happen in the blink of an eye, the drop of a bomb, over 5 years, or a decade……it can happen in so many different ways…it can come in all sizes, shapes, dimensions…yeah you get my point…
things change, people change, we all change….willingly or unwillingly…..bashfully or confidently…. consciously or unconsciously….
and what was before will disappear into a memory…probably never to resurface….the memory may also be forgotten…and it will disappear into nothing…
and that will be that…”end of story…bye bye!”
but somethings….aaah those certain, somethings will stay the same.. however you did it,you manage to keep them the same….
perhaps you never found a reason to change them, or they worked best for you, or you were too scared to change them…you couldn’t erase them…there was no surface for them to resurface on, they’re just constantly there, in the background or foreground…..like the sky and the air…or the sun and the moon…
now if these unchanged factors of your personality, or a certain person’s presence in your life…or whatever….are harmful to you….then, well…simply put…you’re fucked. you need to be slapped across your face…or dipped in fresh lava and woken up…they need to be let go, replaced…forgotten…
like memories…some memories…the traumatic ones…the ones that sting you but do you no good….they deserve to be flushed down the toilet….
sometimes you just must, need to change..for your own good…
then there are some unchanged factors you can actually be proud that they haven’t changed…time and time again, they have proven to work in your favor….maybe, at times you need to apply them a little differently, be creative and flexible….they give you the courage and the power to do things you wouldn’t if you didn’t have them…..
they are the constants…those typical things that you could blame on your nature…things you just can’t or don’t want to change…and the excuses to keep them seem all worth while…
my constant…..the optimism…..i’ve never given up till i’m dead sure nothing at all is going to happen….and it’s been a bitch…it’s brought about a lot of pain…..but because of that i’ve never gone down with out trying, with out fighting,,, “what if”s were becoming regular visitors in my life…and i always thought it was bad that i was regressing into some of my childhood habits…..but if it’s going to leave me with less regrets and bigger lessons learnt…..then i can’t complain…
somethings…i guess…are worth not changing….
i love change…i love movement…but i guess part of just growing up is knowing…no matter how much you like or dislike change…is when you need to welcome it and when you need to point a gun to its head….
wow i do sound like i’m 16….
p.s.: another part of growing up is knowing and accepting that your constants don’t apply to everyone…still learning….still trying to learn…