Better than OK

I have a list of things to do. The idea is to complete one task every week. 

Normally it takes me more than a week, and sometimes tasks over lap. But it’s ok. It gives me perspective and at least I make progress in the span of weeks to months, rather than months to never.

The past few weeks have been my “put a song on soundcloud” and “put a video on YouTube ” weeks. But then I felt like writing a short story, and I thought I’d skip to “write a blog/short story”.

I started a short story but writer’s block hit me.

It hit me hard and gave me a nose bleed. My head’s been consistently hurting too. Or maybe that’s just my wisdom teeth growing out.

“Oh you’re finally getting wiser”, yeah…..no… It’s not  I’ve never heard that before. I’m Desi. It’s Desi protocol to say these kind of things, but they always forget that a million people would have already said that before them. I guess they hope to be the first.

Other things I expect to hear and have heard from a Desi because I am… me:

“Anushka? Like Anushka Sharma?” (My name is Anushka Abraham, hi.) She’s a relatively new Indian actress and at one point, we both had short hair. I still haven’t grown my hair. Ha! Beat you to it Ms. Sharma!

“Are you a boy or a girl?” Apparently I’m way too flat-chested and for them to see the difference and apparently my sex really matters.

“Why short hair?”

“Are you Sri Lankan? Where you from?” – that’s a complimentary question  because when my hair was longer , it was impossible to be racially ambiguous , but now, now I have slightly better chance. I was even asked if I was Ethiopian! So cool! (No, I do enjoy my culture, I just am a wannabe superhero)

Off topic.

Right, so list of things to do, writer’s block, da da dum…dee dee doo…. The pain began to subside and I sat down.

I forget to breathe through my nose, so I did. I forget to just sit and not do anything, so I did. That didn’t last long, but that’s ok. 

I began to think about the people in my life. And now I’m here. Clearly I settled on the “Write a blog” part.

It has been 10 years since I moved to the UAE and earned the company of some beautiful people. Through my last year of school and university I was graced by the presence of some crazy, quirky, intelligent and simply good people.

10. That’s almost one-third of my life. It’s a big number to me….. (God, this is where the ultimate shitiness of my writing surfaces)

I know some of you have the privilege of speaking to the person you have known since you had tiny toes and big heads, almost everyday. My chuddy buddy (childhood bestie) is in my heart, no doubt.  But our lives flow in parallel streams, and that’s ok. Once in a while there’ll be a crack in the ground and we will get to hi5 each other.

10 years. These wonderful people have been my constants. We (mostly they) have traveled, studied, worked abroad, but we’ve always somehow comeback and found some middle ground. 

It’s comforting. I don’t take it for granted. I won’t check up on them day to day and they won’t know what I ate and how my day was. But it’s ok.  I know them and they know me. We may reunite after weeks or months but we pick up where left off, as if we never left. 

They are , family.

What would this place be with out the familiarity that they bring into my life? How would I look back at my time here when I leave? 

It just wouldn’t be the same.

It couldn’t have been better.

It’s better than OK. This thought is just like that feeling I get when it’s that time of the day, when the sun isn’t too high, nor too low, but it’s dimmed just enough for me to look right at it without squinting. 

Bright, warm, brilliant and welcoming.

Milky Chance – Down by The River

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conviction….

what is it with age and conviction….

the older the people that i know are, the more sure they are of the stance they take, of the facts they claim, of the opinions they hold and the truths they tame…(yeah i just wanted to rhyme there…)

maybe it’s the experience…older people are so sure of what they’ve seen and experiences, or have been through similar incidents so many times in their life that they can be confident of these certain things…

so when they want top STATE something…their eyes widen, they get little wrinkles on the sides of their lips, like they’re impressed with themselves , they get wrinkles between their eyebrows as well, and their confidence makes their vocal chords taut, and they state their statement.

ha! and i’m saying this with some level of confidence because of the older people that i have come across….

hmmm….

thing is, you can be sure, you can be confident…

but humility is a priced quality…and i think that however confident you are, you must be aware of your surroundings, and situations and factors that affect the stance you take….and you must be able to accept that you can know and be sure of a lot, but you cannot know and be sure of everything…

ofcourse when stating something, go ahead and do it with confidence, but never fear be proven wrong, never learn to despise the taste of change, and open mindedness and the importance of always and always being open to learn…

i’m not trying to be a wise-ass…you should know by now this space is more for me than anyone else….and as much i spill into the virtual world, these words are for me…and anyone else who chooses to relate to them…

 (if i could reach his vocal range i would kiss myself 24/7 for an entire week)

i hope i learn to be humble

and i never lose the lust to learn

and the openness it requires….

 

miss know-it-all missed it all..

it’s funny how people, who are older…beyond their 40s, are so convinced that they have seen the world, all of it, in all its shades that there is nothing left for them to learn…

the times they say things even children wouldn’t say…things that probably babies would say if they did not have to indicate them with their actions, signs and ‘goo gaa’….are just over-looked…

how can some one, with the wisdom that an older person must probably have laugh at the idea of attaining some sort of enlightenment? doesn’t that show immaturity at its simplest form?

how can you ever learn it all, and ever learn ‘enough’ or ever stop learning? of course, you can choose to not go further in a particular subject…that’s fine….but you need to accept that you do not know it all, and give away the curiosity for the air to carry it to some one else who would like to know more about it…and that’s absolutely fine…but you cannot assume you know it all…

a theory, in say, physics may describe something in some way, may provide the foundation or understanding for a particular happening or the occurrence of particular events….but skepticism came about for a reason….skepticism shows that in different situations what you already know will can take the form of something completely new and unexpected….this may be because of your perspective change, the location of the happening, some variation in the objects involves in the happening….

a friend of mine quoted a philosopher’s saying learning while shisha puffs and loops were rising into the air…. i don’t remember the exact quote, but he basically said that, the more you learn, the more you feel you need to learn….the more you know about the world the more you realize how little you know…

the world is too huge, it’s history to deep, it’s dynamics, spheric, but so far reaching, wide reaching, in it’s physical aspects, and when the physical is taken in a metaphorical sense…it’s a lot, almost too much….

and in that sense, life is short….

some one else i knew quoted some one saying, ‘how can life be short when it’s the longest thing i’ll know?’…..i agree… life is long…sometimes even 18 years feels really long….21, feels like i’m pushing it…but in truth  i’m just reaching a point of exhaustion…

based on some basic psychological thought, exhaustion comes after the reaction when a stressor is present……if the stressor does not end, or go away….exhaustion comes ‘before’ death….

so i feel like “the end is near”…..

but we’re human….i am human (unfortunately) and the instinct to survive, will force me to destress and make a change to end the life of the stressor before i end my life…and my life will restart, and again i will live to live and go on, and enjoy or hate life….

so the life that was short will become long…

and in this length, it will be a shame if i, or anyone reaches a point of believing they know everything….

that’s pure stupidity according to me….that shows that whatever you have learnt has not been learnt…it’s just been devoured with no allowance for some slow, decent digestion to take place….

blah….people can be so blah.. pride, can make you lose out on so much….why bother with it then?…oh well…

the music is THE MUSIC … this is one of their really old tracks…

pushing my mind..

sometimes these books i pick up… i barely know what i’m getting myself into…

some of these books, the way the authors talk, you need to be well versed… or at least well-enough-versed on philosophy or sociology…. when they Copernican or  something like that, you just need to know the kind of view point they are talking about….

and i, each time i read these, i need to look it up….’cause i only know so much aboutt hese thinkers…

i’m not sure what i’m looking for in these books….but the moment i see something like the ‘simulacra of simulation’…i just must read it…. now it did make sense to me, but every time Baudrillard used some huge word referencing to some one’s theory of some sort…. i’d just stare and blink and then turn to good old, forever young google…

i feel very dufus- like reading them…. and i know very well that i’m supposed to first be brushing up on some basics, then becoming fluent in them but i just jump right into the deep end and get baffled at all the things thrown at me….

but i still do it….i’m still doing it…the new deep end is, ‘parables for the virtual’….. i”m just on the intro, but i’ve been already thrown off course…more over …i’m reading super slow because at times i need to re-read things… wow finishing this will be a task….

i’m not sure what it is…but perhaps, i think by the end of this i feel like i’ll earn something…it’s like a steep mountain to climb, the things that will trigger my movement, thoughts and stir my being will lead to some enlightenment when i reach the peek… and why not… i got no religion, i got no real addiction…i just got these little and big goals to keep me going….