Revelation, about confrontation! (proud owner of a small rhyme, I am)
SO how does something you hate, avoid, and find every justifiable reason to just simply never do, become something almost so normal. Situations, experiences and every, equally justifiable reason to just do it (as Nike would say).
One of these things being confrontation. After a series of awkward, disappointing confrontations, that come from back in the day when you wore your heart out on a sleeve and straightforwardness made up every part of your cell…you gradually called it quits…and altered your DNA, instead of altering the methods you confronted that perhaps, could have produced more fruitful results.
The justification: people get hurt, I get hurt, some people just don’t won’t to change, nothing is permanent, nothing needs to work out and you can always walk away from the situation and gradually cut the person out, never having to deal with them again.
But then old values began to return. And somehow you realized that you can’t always totally cut people off. Or maybe you can, but you just don’t have the heart or balls (whichever seems right) to do so. People like family, I mean…
And there, after years of suppressing thoughts, and emotions, trying to hide how you feel, you need to eventually spit the truth out.
Not to forget, holding it all in made you seem like a stone, just sitting, chilling, getting weathered, but never bothered.
And forget family. They stick, you sometimes have no choice. After a point you realize you get so close to some souls that you make your own family. And you don’t want to walk away from them….that you find it necessary to maintain a permanent relationship because you feel it, you made something with them, little bits of history…
and when you recognize the permanence of these people…you start to unwind, and then confrontation ( as and when needed) is unavoidable.
I was uncomfortable with how a few things were going on with work…and I thought…maybe….I should say something….but after being anti-confrontation for so long, it’s hard to bring things up, to know when and how to do it. And a thought popped up in my head…”well it’s not like this job is forever”….and that’s when I realized all of the above.
I realized why I became more okay, once again to speak my mind, at least around those I give a shit about. I saw those relationships as permanent (well, yeah nothing lasts forever, but what I mean is, more or less long lasting). And I like it. I like that I can speak my mind again… and I’m still learning to pick the right time, and right way to do it so as not to fall back in the same pattern I did when I was young.
And I realized that in order to stay open, and be a person who speaks her mind when necessary, I needed to see things as permanent. I love my job, and the truth is, by not saying what’s wrong, I’m going to make those last few months, or years that I am with them less pleasant, but there’ll always be something that’s not right. But every moment counts…. every moment, whether good or bad, deserves to be blessed with some beauty (or at least we could try to make it that way)…. because otherwise life is going to be full of black holes.
give me love….. =)