Equalizing

I assume there’s a stage in everyone’s life when they feel more or less like an equal to their parent or guardian. A switch gets flipped and the relationship stabilizes, in a sense. It all begins from that one moment when one of you realize the value of the other.

This was one of those moments.

People always thought we had a great relationship. We were more like best friends, they’d say. We knew how to maintain a level of “cool”, but it was not an easy relationship. I was never the daughter she hoped I’d be and it was okay for her to let me know.

I grew up too fast and she wasn’t happy about change. With time, though she began to accommodate me, and she began to change too. But there was always an underlying discomfort.

I’d get the randomest calls, at the randomest times and she would say the strangest sharpest things. Never once did I think it came from a place of neediness.

I thought I was bad, because she said I was bad. I thought I was poor daughter and failing at this “family thing”.

But that night, there was clarity. You know that feeling you get when something that you’ve been processing for so long surfaces? My chest resisted gravity while my shoulders embraced it. Her condescending remarks, a blur.

I asked, “What’s wrong?:”

Her voice changed, “I have a headache…it’s been a rough day…can you come home?”

“I’ll be there in half an hour.”

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

Confrontation

Revelation, about confrontation! (proud owner of a small rhyme, I am)

SO how does something you hate, avoid, and find every justifiable reason to just simply never do, become something almost so normal. Situations, experiences and every, equally justifiable reason to just do it (as Nike would say).
One of these things being confrontation. After a series of awkward, disappointing confrontations, that come from back in the day when you wore your heart out on a sleeve and straightforwardness made up every part of your cell…you gradually called it quits…and altered your DNA, instead of altering the methods you confronted that perhaps, could have produced more fruitful results.

The justification: people get hurt, I get hurt, some people just don’t won’t to change, nothing is permanent, nothing needs to work out and you can always walk away from the situation and gradually cut the person out, never having to deal with them again.
But then old values began to return. And somehow you realized that you can’t always totally cut people off. Or maybe you can, but you just don’t have the heart or balls (whichever seems right) to do so. People like family, I mean…

And there, after years of suppressing thoughts, and emotions, trying to hide how you feel, you need to eventually spit the truth out.

Not to forget, holding it all in made you seem like a stone, just sitting, chilling, getting weathered, but never bothered.

And forget family. They stick, you sometimes have no choice. After a point you realize you get so close to some souls that you make your own family. And you don’t want to walk away from them….that you find it necessary to maintain a permanent relationship because you feel it, you made something with them, little bits of history…

and when you recognize the permanence of these people…you start to unwind, and then confrontation ( as and when needed) is unavoidable.

I was uncomfortable with how a few things were going on with work…and I thought…maybe….I should say something….but after being anti-confrontation for so long, it’s hard to bring things up, to know when and how to do it. And a thought popped up in my head…”well it’s not like this job is forever”….and that’s when I realized all of the above.

I realized why I became more okay, once again to speak my mind, at least around those I give a shit about. I saw those relationships as permanent (well, yeah nothing lasts forever, but what I mean is, more or less long lasting). And I like it. I like that I can speak my mind again… and I’m still learning to pick the right time, and right way to do it so as not to fall back in the same pattern I did when I was young.

And I realized that in order to stay open, and be a person who speaks her mind when necessary, I needed to see things as permanent. I love my job, and the truth is, by not saying what’s wrong, I’m going to make those last few months, or years that I am with them less pleasant, but there’ll always be something that’s not right. But every moment counts…. every moment, whether good or bad, deserves to be blessed with some beauty (or at least we could try to make it that way)…. because otherwise life is going to be full of black holes.

give me love….. =)

taking and giving

There’s that list, that defines point by point what you want to be…who you want to be….you’ve starred and underlined the most important points, and also  given credit to yourself for achieving those behaviour-related goals…

and while working towards one you realize you may be falling short…

and when at first this ‘falling’ feels like a ‘failing’…insight hits you and understand

What am I on about….

right, so…I always disliked people who like to play ‘victims’ and seem to ‘forgive’ you for however you may have wronged them, but make it their mission for the next hour to days to ensure that you feel guilty about it.

I, proudly, believed I would never be that person….. Yet one thing I always aimed to achieve was the ability to confront people. Instead of walking away from loved ones when things went wrong, instead of gradually cutting off my relationships…I wanted to be able to say how I felt, and make amends.

I didn’t get the push to do so till a very special person walked into my life and I was forced to step up…..and I did….I wasn’t going to walk away and sever my relationship, hold grudges and what not, so I would constantly lay out what was on my mind. Little did I know, part of confronting issues may involve the other person feeling horribly guilty and in sink them in a feeling of ‘just-not-good-enough’…

There goes my pride on being some one who doesn’t dig into other peoples’ guiltiness….But if I don’t confront the issues, then they will always linger, and years down the line the effects will come out…

So a new, mental note has been written in my head – learn to confront things, and learn HOW to confront things, with out seeming like some first -class bitch, or dominatrix keen on bringing some one to their knees…I’m pretty sure my effect wasn’t thaaaaaat bad (I hope) but you know sometimes aiming for the stars so you’ll at least reach the sky works….so exaggerating the effect I can have may just make me a little more careful of how I put things.

But, as I always say, it takes two hands to clap…it’s not enough to mend how I say what I say, it depends on who I say it to, and how they take such things….and I told him that maybe he needs to view what I take differently, not as a guilt trip, but something we need to work on….and I didn’t type ‘we’ by mistake…I mean ‘we’.

and then it hit me…

the person who’s ability to play victim and take some one on a guiltrip….the person who inspired me to be nothing like him….may not have been so bad after all….perhaps his intention wasn’t to make me feel guilty…maybe he too, was trying to confront issues, to get them out of the way, to talk it out….

it was how I may have taken it…

a simple ,” what can I do then” could have changed the course of our relationship and I would have earned a lot more than I lost….no doubt I was younger then, a rebel without a cause (still am, working on removing “out” from without), but perhaps in my future interactions I’ll have a lot more to take out of such confrontations…

perhaps giving and how to give is not the only trick….perhaps taking, and how we take is another one…